Wednesday, April 05, 2006

So let go. Get in. Cuz it's so amazing here...

Have you seen all the amazing entries for Rhonna's 21-day Challenge? They are totally fabulous and inspiring.

I'm not taking part in the challenge...but they did inspire me to start my own art journal. At my own pace, doing my own thing, branching out to a bunch of things. And so the other night, I took the plunge and started my book.

I had this blank notebook/journal type thing that I got from Target lying around for a while so I decided to use that since I'm too lazy to go look for something else. The book is divided into three sections - so I decided to use each section for something. One for lyrics, one for quotes and one for just thoughts I have floating around in this mind of mine.

So far, I've used a ton of paint and ink. lol. And stamping. And paper. I want to branch out to other techniques though.


This is the first entry. Sort of just getting myself started. When I got my heart broken by the boy, I really connected with the lyrics in Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes" because I thought - that's me. Even when I'm totally ripped up inside, I refuse to show it. I don't want to seem weak. In high school, people used to comment about how I never seemed sad or depressed, even when I faced rejection or disappointment. I was always going about my business in this peppy mode, even if I was really a mess and wanted to burst into tears.

I started journals throughout high school. And at the start of every one, I made a promise to myself to let myself go in each one. But looking back on these books, I never did. It's filled with such trivial things. Most of it is a day-by-day, or week-by-week sort of play-by-play. I couldn't even really let these feelings go in a private journal - something that no one was going to read but myself.

Even now, I don't like to share these sorts of things. I just don't. I guess I'm afraid. That if I let it show, people would think less of me or something. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to let people down. I just wanted to deal with everything by keeping it all inside of me.

What I was good at was sort of mentioning it and glossing over everything.

I know that no one is perfect. I know everyone has imperfections. Life isn't perfect. I admire those who can easily let it go and let it out. Who can express them and deal with it that way.

So. I made the promise again. That I won't hold it back in here. This is a project just for ME. Not anyone else. For me to pour everything out onto paper, while playing with paper, paint and the like.

Somehow, it's been easier with the paper and the paint. I don't know why.

Which brings me to this.



Remember I mentioned that my transferring is most likely to be delayed for a semester?

I said something like "well I can take the fun classes like design and photography."

And I can.
And I will eventually get out of PCC.

But....

I feel frustrated. And I'm pissed at myself. It's the math requirement that is holding me back. Yes, I'll be done with it by the summer. But what I really should've done is taken it earlier. WAY earlier. Not wait and make it be the last class I take.

I feel like being here is holding me back. I'm scared to move on into the next stage. But I was game. I felt like I was starting to accept the fact that I had to grow up and I was kind of looking forward to the challenge.

But now I have to wait a little longer. I'm still stuck.

Anyways. Sorry for the novel. But I hope I can keep letting it out in this little book.

If you made it this far - I give you kudos.

11 comments:

Michelle W. said...

long post, but I really enjoy it. Love the journals. Hun, no one will think less of you! No one is perfect and we won't want you to be! We root for you and like you because you are you!

Michelle

Alison said...

Man
that journal is amazing
hang in there
because you're clearly awesome

Erin said...

i think you doing this journal is so inspiring caroline.
good for you!

tracy said...

Just a lurker, but love your work on 2peas... hang in there... college will be waiting for you! And once you get there, it'll go by way too fast. :) -t (fellow Bruin alum)

Kat said...

awesome post
love your journal. i really want to do one too, maybe i will now!
i'm the same way when it comes to feelings. i always want to be happy and not let people see me sad, etc. hold it all in.
good for you for doign the journal, and the post! painting & crafts seem to be your way of expressing yourself ; )
thanks : )

EK said...

Awesome journal. Hang in there! You rock! (By the way, love the frou frou reference)

island girl said...

i love this Caroline! You totally rock girl!

nadine said...

whoa dude, your art journal looks awesome! :)

Renee said...

Caroline, your journal is amazing!
it's all about being real, and it's not that easy to to do. thanks for sharing it here...you've inspired me more than you know! :)

hang in there. take the fun classes! :) everything happens for a reason chickie!

Alexandra Wieckowski said...

Love your journal, I wish I had the time right now to do this challenge.

Christy said...

Awesome post, awesome journal girlie! You're inspiring me to make one! :)